I don’t take orders. Ricky GervaisBeing on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left?

Have fun. Did you come across any such situation lately? Laugh. EpictetusNo wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.
I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos. Jim CarreyI think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer. Nora EphronObviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. I’m not being racist; it’s true. … You have to go out there and figure out what you can do and can’t do. You mustn’t lose it. Also it lights up your big dumb face.

Ricky GervaisI see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Cathy GuisewiteAccept who you are. Rodney DangerfieldMarriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. Bill MurrayThere’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate… up and down your spine. Jerry SeinfeldI like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Get good at it. Men marry women hoping they will not. Haruki MurakamiI go to school, but I never learn what I want to know. Be kind. Jim Carrey Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Louis C.K.Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. Hug yourself. Ryan ReynoldsBob Ross is very calming. But be nice anyway. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans. Bullshit. I like just to murmur out to myself, ‘Oh bullshit’. No.

Will RogersI came from a real tough neighborhood. Stephen ColbertIf I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke. Steve MartinI was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time. George CarlinWhen you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. Need some really funny quotes and sayings to describe yourself, or may be some cool statuses to flaunt on your social networking profiles? I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking. Carrie UnderwoodWhen your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Mitch HedbergI was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. It wakes up the brain cells. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Rodney DangerfieldI told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. Robin WilliamsSee, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. And do you know what I like about comedy? Bill MurrayI live a little bit on the seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available for life to happen to me.

Ellen DeGeneres It’s okay if you don’t like me. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges im holding onto are. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid. Smart people just do what they do. Isaac AsimovHumor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. Steve MartinNothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet. You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
Jim CarreyMy soul is not contained within the limits of my body. Eddie MurphyMick Jagger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, “You got some big-ass lips!”. Ricky GervaisIt’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.

That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity. What’s the point in having humor?

Steven WrightI live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I just go normal from time to time.My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids. Mitch HedbergScientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid. It’s the funniest joke in the world.

People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Jack BennyFinally my winter fat is done.

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