160 Best Funny Short Jokes. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. Rebecca RomijnThe quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to Everyone should have kids. Jon StewartReligion. Instantly.”“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”“As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”“The cure for boredom is curiosity. Louis C.K.There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars. Then he’s finished.” Twitter: What’s happening? But be nice anyway. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. Jimmy FallonI don’t even read the papers. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”“You have enemies? Or simply think them silently to yourself when negative thoughts begin to chatter in your mind.Print out these short quotes about life and post them around your home and office!Next time a stranger talks to you when you’re alone, just look at them shocked and whisper. ThibautThere cannot be a crisis next week. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. Isaac AsimovHumor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. It’s all we’ve got. When they disappear, it’s a If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.I’m not arguing. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you. Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. When not working on KIM, he enjoys traveling, poker, and anything related to crypto.Thanks for all those hilarious quotes. Jimmy FallonIf you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, “What are those niggers doing in here?” They watchin’ y’all dance. Dave ChappelleThe advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. People are harder. Kevin HartMarriage is a 24 hour job.
James ThurberI will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. I see food, and I eat it. It can have fish in it. Oscar WildeKnowledge is like underwear. Chris RockIf you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game. Brendan FrancisThe true man wants two things: danger and play.
Ellen DeGeneresIt is failure that gives you the proper perspective on success. George CarlinIf you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Die with dignity. I definitely want to contribute to that. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Edward de BonoThe secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. Jimmy FallonNew Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. Will Ferrell If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. That’s real beauty to me. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks. I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. It’s physically impossible, so why bother? Jon StewartLove what you do. Jerry SeinfeldWhat is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? Eddie MurphyIf you have a flop movie, so what? Ellen DeGeneresPeople always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. Chris RockIf a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. Fran LebowitzMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Rita RudnerMy brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus!
Ellen DeGeneresFollow your passion. Stay up and fight. Steve MartinWe’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”“All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.”“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”“We’re all a little weird. Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.”“I’d like to help you out. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. Jimmy FallonThank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse.
I was pretty religious. I’m not sure how I got there. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.” Louis C.K.Don’t text or twitter during the show. I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home.
By all means, you should follow that.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. Which of my enemies told you this?” “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” “He’s got a photographic mind. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. '”“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days. So each is inevitably disappointed. Ricky GervaisEnjoy life. I answered it in my head and thought it was in real life.I have a WTF is wrong with people moment at least 3 times a day.Some things are better left unsaid.