Ricky GervaisEnjoy life. Mitch HedbergScientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid. But saying ‘yes’ begins things. Steven WrightAm I perfect?
If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.I spent 113 880 hours of my life for a paper and a handshake. They’ll never expect it back.” —“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” —“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.” —“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” —“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.” —“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” —“A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks.” —“Marriage is not about age; it’s about finding the right person.” —“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” —“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.” —“Light travels faster than sound. Will DurantPeople learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong. Ellen DeGeneresWhy don’t they give us things we can actually use?
If you don’t do what is happening at that moment, then it’s not real. I think it’s such an important thing. Have worth. Boys fuck things up. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do. George CarlinWe’re all fucked. And they’re like, “Look at these crazy muthaf***as.” Y’all be stepping on people’s feet and hitting one another. Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died. Bill WattersonIn school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. Friedrich NietzscheAngels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity. Ask any failure.” —“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” —“The best way to lie is to tell the truth.carefully edited truth.” —“I went window shopping today! Robin WilliamsAh, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. G.K. ChestertonMy way of joking is to tell the truth. I want to see the struggle. It’s kind of ironic.
I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” —“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” —“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.” —Here you will find top ten funniest sayings selected by our team.Sayings Point is a website that has a huge collection of sayings on various topics. Ellen DeGeneresBe open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday. Mitch HedbergI walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’. Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive? Ellen DeGeneresFind out who you are and be that person. Oscar WildeMen marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
You will never get out of it alive.
Louis C.K.I definitely look at my body and I go ‘yuck’. I’m really protective of my penis.
Ricky GervaisMondays are fine.
Robin WilliamsOur job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with. Elayne BooslerEighty percent of married men cheat in America. Ricky GervaisMy greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. Fran LebowitzMy fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Robin WilliamsYou’re only given a little spark of madness. Groucho MarxWhen you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out.
Steven WrighTomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. UnknownI remixed a remix, it was back to normal. People are like music. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”Director/writer Kevin Smith told Tim Burton that Burton’s An acquaintance walked past Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. Ricky GervaisNo one wants to see cool people doing brilliantly. I barely take suggestions.Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
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Steven WrightIf a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. It can have fish in it. Accept who you are. I definitely want to contribute to that. Mae WestA man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. Steven WrightI have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie. Elbert HubbardAll generalizations are false, including this one.
Stephen ColbertCynics always say no. Ellen DeGeneresLife is short. James ThurberHumor is a serious thing. Edgar Allan Poe. Mark TwainIf I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Milton Berle When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.
Steven WrightSomeone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’ Steven WrightA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Eddie MurphyAccept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.